Reverting back

I closed my eyes. Real tight.

And then, I looked up at the sky, and opened up my eyes.

Crystal clear and blue. Happiness.

Yet, I couldn't smile. Because I knew, somewhere deep within me, some things aren't answered yet, thus, till the day I receive the answer, perhaps, I will never be able to smile again.

A smile, that is meant truly from my heart.

Even though the surroundings have changed, I can still never let go of myself. Instead, I'm being tormented over and over within myself. Simply because I know the reason of being alone.

So much so, it hurts me to even try and be close to others.

When others speak freely and friendly, I can only watch and smile, saying nothing else. The sadness within my eyes is never seen, because no one understands them. Silence prevails over me, even if so many years have passed. Comrades in arms have left, one by one, and even those who are still living in the same surrounding as me aren't close any more.

You were the one who chose to let go, not me. So, why are you acting like the person who's hurt?

Didn't you even notice that each and every time that I wanted to speak with you, you were the one who turned your back against me and continued with your conversation with others? Each time I silently waited, yet, I was never considered to be of existence. Thus, if that's the case, who's the lonely one here?

Go on. Go ahead. Leave me.

I can only live in eternal sadness. That's why I'd always chose to be alone. Yet, no one has seen through my mask. Instead, your only assumptions are that I'm quiet and unfriendly.

Have you even tried to see through the pain I've been through? Have you even tried to see the anguish that I have drowned myself within? Have you even taken the minimal time to ask how I feel?

I don't think so...

All it takes is a simple sentence: "Don't feel sad." to calm me down. All it takes is a few simple seconds to comfort me.

That's why, in my life, I feel proud, to know that at least there's comfort out there.

To Nat, I thank you for your hugs. Thanks to them, at least I know, I can still feel loved.
To Taku, I thank you for taking time off to just ask me how I feel. You'd made my day feel great.

Even if others laughed at me for being silly, I do not mind. Instead, I will only smile gently back. There's things that no one will ever understand, because they aren't me.

That's why, they can never understand the meaning of my mask. Neither will they understand why I love the greenery outside or the reason for treasuring my discman.

Because its only because of these, that I can thoroughly cry out in my heart.

I'm never strong. I admit it. Then again, who will care about what I say?

When will I ever be able to smile again?

Who's willing to tell me?

Do you know, why I even put myself as the most important person to myself? Let me guess, based your ignorant mind: You think I'm damn full of myself.

No. You are mistaken. Now and forever, you will always be mistaken by me. But even so, I shall continue to let you think the way you would like to think. It doesn't matter really.

My only objective of living, is so as not to let others be like me.

Hence, I will do what I can in my utmost ability to comfort others.

Yet, who's going to comfort me entirely? To hear me cry, hear me curse, hear me laugh?

Silence. That's what that will take my hand and lead me away from all these madness.

Thus, I will continue to be the me back in the past.

Till the day that I will be happy once again, will this blog cease to exist entirely.

Because I'm always drowning in my sin. The inerasable sin.